How I Became A Sex God.

 

“I’m about to give you the best sex of your life,” he said, then he proceeded to arouse nothing but pure boredom from me.

 

If you’ve been on the streets long enough, you’ve probably come across one or two people who claimed to provide 5-star sex only for them to provide you with rancid motel sex. Dirty, but not in the best way.

 

I not only left the former mentioned encounter painfully underwhelmed, but I also started to question my own sex game.

 

I was no stranger to sending, what I would do to you texts but it had never occurred to me that I could be abysmally bad at sex. I knew I wasn’t a sex god and that I had so much to learn, but I didn’t think I was that bad.

 

No one had left me a bad review, but I was wise enough to know that that didn’t mean that I wasn’t bad at sex. I knew that I had some work to do, so did my research.

 

Pop psychology tells us that the best way to become great at sex is hooking up with a ton of people. Without much examination this seems like great advice. After all, practice makes perfect right?

 

But if hooking up with a ton of people makes you great at sex then how do we account for the people with enough bodies to be considered the human equivalent to a graveyard? Specifically, the men who leave plenty of women unsatisfied. Surely there’s more to becoming great at sex than increasing your body count.

 

A guy I met on Tinder a few years ago shared the fact that he used to read Cosmopolitan to understand what women wanted with regards to sex. At the time, I not only thought this was funny, but pretty wise as well.

 

I got my hands on every sexology book I could find and buried my head in them until I absorb everything in them. In addition to learning about all kinds of positions and methods of facilitating pleasure, I also learned about the anatomy of both men and women, and all the pleasure points that exist on the body.

 

This helped me navigate two other important keys I discovered were crucial to having great sex; embodiment and knowing what you works for you.

 

Embodiment is the state of being fully present and attuned to the sensations in your body. No preoccupation with thoughts about ourselves or our partner, or performance anxiety.

 

While I’d never struggled with being present during sex or knowing what turns me on, I hadn’t fully unlocked my pleasure potential.

 

Two things helped me immensely in this department; discovering my erotic blueprint and pleasure mapping.

 

Once I discovered what my erotic blueprint was, I was able to set a scene that allowed for complete relaxation, map my body with the aid of sexual paraphernalia, and discover new erogenous zones.

 

Discovering that one of my top erotic blueprints is kinky led me to do research on kinks. Here I learned that kinks, at their core, were not as grotesque as many people make them out to be.

 

Learning about the motivation behind each kink allowed to be embrace mine and shed the shame that had previously accompanied them.

 

Once I got clear on everything I needed before, during, and after sex to have the most pleasurable and memorable experience, I was free to do the following key; communicate.

 

Most of my sexual experiences up to this point hadn’t included a conversation about likes, dislikes, or anything for that matter. Organs were being rearranged, but no party would dare utter the words, “so what are you into?” Another thing to blame the patriarchy for, I suppose.

 

It became abundantly clear to me, during an episode of Big Mouth (S02E05), that I had to learn how to communicate my likes and dislikes. If I couldn’t talk about sex, then maybe I shouldn’t be having it. So, I decided to learn how to effectively communicate my desires.

 

In doing so, it became clear that my fears around communicating my desires were irrational. Even having shared my darkest fantasies, I still wasn’t met with judgement and it felt amazing.

 

Something that I didn’t think would be relevant to becoming great at sex—and that a lot of people wouldn’t either—is becoming health conscious.

 

I don’t mean eating healthy or exercising, although that is important. I mean managing stress and other mental/physical related issues.

 

When I was struggling with PTSD related anxiety and depression, I had a hard time getting and staying aroused. It wasn’t until I dealt with my mental health that I was able to not only get aroused but have more satisfying sex. The antidepressants became another obstacle of their own, but the healthier I became, the better orgasms I had.

 

Having said all of this, hooking can be a great tool to explore and unlock your pleasure potential, but it isn’t the only path to becoming great at sex.

Not everyone has the desire to have a ho phase, and there’s nothing wrong with that. And, it certainly doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be bad at sex.

At the end of the day, the real key to becoming a “sex god” is information, embodiment, self-knowledge, health, unlearning shame and communication.

How To Change Your Type.

Studies have shown that the one quality people desire most in a partner is kindness. 

If you have social media—twitter to be more specific—I’m sure you’ve noticed people praising qualities like kindness and consistency all the time.

And yet, most of us end up picking people who are the complete opposite. 

No matter how hard we try to change our approach to dating we always end up with the same type of lover.

You may know by now that we don’t end up with the people we desire or even deserve, but with the people who feel familiar.

For more on this check out my attachment styles series: Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant.

Our “type” is usually someone who feels familiar—that is, they resemble a caregiver of ours—or someone who embodies the things we want to be.

Think about the time you wanted to date the most popular guy or girl in school because you wanted to be everything they are—hot, popular, desired etc—by osmosis.

You probably weren’t all that compatible, and they probably didn’t treat you so well.

So now that we know why we don’t pick lovers who are actually good for us, how can we change that? 

First, become familiar with your attachment style. 

So much of what happens when we fall in love is unconscious. 

Becoming aware of the unconscious forces driving our decisions can help us change them.

Becoming familiar with your attachment style serves the purpose of showing you how you attach.

And how you can change your approach to dating and end up with the right person for you.

Second, do some inventory. What do your past lovers have in common? 

Is it emotional unavailability? Volatility? Inconsistency? Make a list of all the common traits.

Once you have the list, ask yourself which one of your caregivers share those traits. 

This will indicate which dynamic you’re trying to recreate with your lover. 

Steer clear of people with traits you know contribute to an unhealthy dynamic.

Third, make a list of traits you know you deeply desire as well as traits you may have neglected or undervalued before.

This list should include things like kindness, good communication skills, a growth mindset, emotional intelligence, etc.

Fourth, give people you wouldn’t normally go out with a chance. 

Now, I’m not saying you should go out with someone you don’t find attractive. 

All I’m saying is that you should give people a chance to surprise you.

So far, you’ve been going out with the same people and that hasn’t been working for you. So switch it up.

Forget about love at first sight and the spark—which are not indicators of true love—and learn to value a slow burn.

An instant attraction is usually an indicator of someone’s attractiveness/charisma, or their familiarity.

So rather than overvaluing an ambiguous, and often deceptive, feeling, learn to value getting to know someone over a period of time.

Give it two or three dates, see if the connection can grow. You’d be surprised to learn that it can a lot of the times.

If not, feel free to go out with someone else. 

Lastly, pay attention to how you feel around someone.

Some attractions are easy, safe and make us feel good about ourselves.

Others are anxiety-inducing, mercurial and make us feel bad about ourselves.

So pay attention to what people bring out of you. And be mindful of not confusing anxiety (butterflies) you feel for chemistry.

If you notice yourself chasing after someone elusive when someone good enough is right in front of you, showing up, ask yourself why.

A bonus tip, is to treat the process of switching your type as an experiment.

Rather than making being in a relationship the goal, let the goal be to see how you respond to different flavours of personalities outside of your “favourite”

Keep it light. Keep it casual. Exercise integrity but, most importantly, have fun.

Now breaking out of familiar patterns can be challenging and having an objective party to guide you through it can be incredibly beneficial.

So I invite you to sign up for my Girlfriend’s/Gentlemen’s Guide To Dating program. 

In this program we get to work together over a couple of weeks to transform you into a pro dater who’s able to attract quality matches with great ease. 

Interested? Sign up here.

So, do you have a type? Were they good for you? Bad for you? And have you been able to change your type? I’d love to hear all about it so do leave a comment 🙂

If you have more of an auditory preference, check out my podcast for the audio version of this column! Available on Apple, Spotify, Anchor, and Google.

I have a feeling a king or queen you know needs to read this column. Do look for the share button below and share this with someone in need. 

I absolutely love hearing from you, so leave a like and/or a comment. While you’re at it, subsrcibe to the column too. I would absolutely love to have you as one of my subscribers. 

Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, enter your email address and click ‘follow’ for weekly updates. 

Need advice or coaching? Click here.

Until my next column… Ciao for now xx

Gentlemen’s Guide To Dating Pt. 4: Dating Faux Pas.

You probably clicked on this because you have the worst experiences with women and don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Dating is tricky, so it helps to have some guidelines to follow.

I’ve heard all kinds of things from men and I’ve observed the same five issues. 

So here are five dating faux pas that most, if not all, men are guilty of;

1. Thrill Of The Chase: The male species is hardwired to pursue and most men will confess that they enjoy the chase. But focusing too much on the pursuit can blind you to obvious signs of disinterest, incompatibility and emotional unavailability—theirs and yours. This could be a natural tendency to value what you’ve worked for, or it could be attachment issues. The solution? Pursue, don’t chase. Look out for signs of disinterest and redflags. If you know you had an unresponsive or withholding parent, look out for these qualities in your love interests. Don’t get so caught up in chasing that you don’t stop to check if you actually like the person and if they match your standards.
2. Choosing Fast Food Over Soul Food: Men are visual creatures and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it becomes an issue when you date a baddie to increase your status and impress your homies. Or, focus too much on qualities that don’t really matter. Most men I date are too fast to ask me to “send pics” They’re too content with me just being beautiful. I’m not saying that you should date someone you don’t find attractive but fat ass isn’t going to raise a household. Focus less on waist to ass ratio and more on things like emotional stability, the ability to compromise, and having similar values. Focus on things that will guarantee longevity as well as happiness.
3. Ignorance: Like I told the ladies, this is not an insult. By ignorance I’m referring to our lack of awareness of the factors influencing our dating choices. As you may know, we don’t date people who are good for us but people who feel familiar. People who resemble our caregivers. For more info on this and how to keep it from ruining your romantic life check out my Attachment Styles series: Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Fearful Avoidant, Dismissive Avoidant, as well as Why Dating Is Hard.
4. Commitment Phobia: This is the number complaint I hear from men; getting bored after the honeymoon phase, being afraid of committing to the wrong person, and being afraid of intimacy because they’ve been hurt before. Rather than pressing eject when things became stale and problems start to arise, stick it out. Rather than waiting for the next best thing, commit to someone good enough and make it work. And realise that in order for people to love you, you also give them the power to hurt you. Due your due diligence but let people in regardless of the risk of getting hurt. For step by step tips on how to this, hit me up for a one-on-one session.
5. Going With The Flow: Now there’s nothing inherently wrong with going with the flow—granted it’s not used as a means to waste people’s time. Dating requires the ability to stay present while getting to know someone. The issue is that men aren’t intentional about getting to know someone. Essentially you focus too much on vibes and fun and not enough on getting to know someone’s character. The remedy for this is to be curious, ask the right questions, and expose your love interest to different settings (e.g introducing them to loved ones) that will bring out different aspects of themselves. Again, think long-term viability and not just present fun.

I have an amazing program dedicating to tackle all the issues I mentioned above and so much more. 

The program will ultimately change your entire approach to dating and allow you to attract the right person for you a lot easier.

To sign up for my Gentlemen’s Guide To Dating program, click here.

If you have more of an auditory preference, check out my podcast for the audio version of this column! Available on Apple, Spotify, Anchor, and Google.

I have a feeling a king or queen you know needs to read this column. Do look for the share button below and share this with someone in need. 

I absolutely love hearing from you, so leave a like and/or a comment. While you’re at it, subsrcibe to the column too. I would absolutely love to have you as one of my subscribers. 

Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, enter your email address and click ‘follow’ for weekly updates. 

Need advice or coaching? Click here.

Until my next column… Ciao for now xx

How To Make Long Distance Relationships Work.

If you’re reading this, then you’ve probably been in a long distance relationship at one point in your life. 

Perhaps, you’re in one now. 

Whether it was with a tweep you had great banter with, or a partner you started out in the same city with, you know how difficult long distance can be.

Now sometimes we just meet someone great and they happen to be miles away. 

Sometimes we’re on vacation and a summer fling we have just seems too significant to give up.

But other times pursuing a long distance relationships can be a symptom of a larger issue.

If you’re like me and you had a long distance relationship with one or both of your parents, then long distance may just be what you’re familiar with.

Or maybe, as a result of your attachment, long distance relationships are all you can handle because they don’t require that much of you.

Essentially, you get to be in a relationship but still retain most of your independence.

You get to experience intimacy but not the kind that might make you feel uncomfortable.

Now statistics show that there is about a little over 50% chance of a long distance relationship working.

This sounds… alright, but the chances decrease once the couple start living together or in the same city.

Now, I’m not saying this to discourage anyone. 

However I do want you to have a realistic outlook on long distance relationships.

You and your partner could easily be a part of the percentage that succeeds, but it will take work.

So how do we make a long distance relationship work?

1. Be Realistic: Before you pursue a long distance relationship, be honest with yourself about whether or not you see the relationship working. How far away does your love interest live? Do both or one of you have the means to travel to see each other frequently? How long will you be doing long distance because an indefinite long distance relationship is not sustainable.
2. Ask The Right Questions: Because you won’t see each other that often, it’ll be really easy to get swept up in the moment and make decisions based on the present. Completely neglecting to ask the right questions and making sure you align. So ask the right questions; make sure you and love interest make long term sense. Don’t wait until a year later to discover you want different things.
3. Evaluate Your Love Interest: Do you really know who they are or are you filling in the blanks? Do you know their character and values? Do you have enough empirical evidence that they are who they say they are? That they are what you want. Sit down with your most objective friend or loved one to determine how much you really know.
4. Create An End Date: Like I mentioned, an indefinite long distance relationship is not sustainable. So, create an end date. Preferably something under a year, but something longer can still work e.g if you’re going off to college for four years. Either way, an end date is important.
5. Follow through: The obvious thing to do when the end date approaches is to follow through. But first, agree on what you’ll be doing. Who will be making the move? Will you be living together or separately for a while? The answers to questions like these are important so that there’s no confusion about how to move forward. 
6. Communicate Openly & Set Boundaries: Transparency is incredibly important in a long distance relationship. More so than a same-city relationship because there’s so much distance. A long distance relationship without transparency leaves a door open for insecurity which will destroy your relationship. So be transparent about how your day went, who you spend your time with, etc. Also set clear, appropriate boundaries (not rules). An obvious boundary is not seeing other people, but you may have more unique ones you’d like to add. Communicate them clearly and respectfully, and remember that the goal is not to be obsessive or controlling but to express what will allow you to feel more secure.
7. Reassurance Each Other: The distance can make it so much easier to feel apart. This makes it easier to feel insecure. So go out of your way to reassure each other as often as possible.
8. Be intentional: Become proactive. How often are you going to visit each other? How often are you going to speak over the phone? Can you still make Friday nights date night and find something to do? Be intentional about spending quality time with your love interest or partner. And, be intentional about getting to know your love interest on a more intimate level. Whatever you plan, make sure it works for both of you and your schedules. Because you won’t be spending as much time together, you’re going to have to make your relationship a priority. See each other as often as possible. Take longer trips if possible. Check in with one another and speak on the phone on a daily basis. This will allow you to feel more secure within the relationship.

Now you can go about getting to know your love interest in an intimate way any way you like, but if you’d like to do it in a way that’s also fun you might want to check out my 44 Questions To Create Intimacy With a Love Interest.

So, have you ever been in a long distance relationship? Are you a success story and if so, how did you make it work? I’d love to hear all about it so do leave a comment 🙂

Girlfriends’ Guide To Dating Pt.6: Dating Faux Pas.

“What am I doing wrong?” “Why do I always end up with the wrong guy?”

If you’ve been dating long enough, I’m sure these words have escaped your lips before.

I’m sure you’ve wracked your brain—and your friends’ brains—trying to figure out why you always end up with the wrong guy.

Dating is tough—especially if you don’t know the rules.

But this is why this guide exists, so rest assured. I’ve got you covered.

I’m gonna break down where women go wrong in dating and how to fix it;

1. Playing The Cool Girl: We’ve all played this role before, and by now we all know that it isn’t very rewarding. One of the worst qualities to have that often results in relationship failure is stubbornness. While agreeableness is great, it needs to have it’s limits, and those limits are called boundaries and standards. Agreeableness without boundaries and standards makes us a doormat and it makes it easy to settle for whatever is being offered to us. For more on how to stop being too agreeable, check out Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Be Cool Girl. In order to attract the person for you, you need to be authentic. And you need boundaries and standards to help filter the good apples from the bad ones.
2. Wanting The Ring Syndrome: This is what I call dating any guy that showers us with attention, even if they don’t have the qualities we require. It also entails wanting to be someone’s girlfriend just for the sake of the title, even if the guy isn’t the right fit for us. Part of this stems from not knowing what we want and/or paying attention to superficial qualities as opposed to qualities that guarantee longevity. Being in a relationship—or being married—is not the goal. Finding a quality guy is. If you want the right guy, focus on who he is, not what he looks like, what he drives or how charming he is. Does you even really like the guy? And, does he have the qualities you really desire and what it takes to create a healthy long term relationship?
3. Chasing A Guy: In almost every dynamic in the animal kingdom, the male pursues the female and yet we as humans do the opposite. This, more often than not, leads to our own demise. It’s hard to gauge a man’s level of interest and intentions if we’re busy pursuing him. While it’s important to show interest and to reciprocate, doing too much can blind us to what would have been obvious signs that a guy is into us, but not that into us. You can make the first move—that is, tell a guy you like him—but allow him to pursue you.
4. Giving Up The Goodies Too Soon: Having sex too soon is almost never a good idea—especially if you’re a woman or have attachment wounds. Psychology says that when we have sex, the hormone responsibility for bonding gets released. Our ability to be objective pretty much goes out the window after that, which means we could easily pick the wrong guy. Now listen, I’m not telling you what to do. When it comes to your body you have full autonomy. However if you want a better chance at picking the right guy then delaying sex is the way to go. Also sexual compatibility is important, but contrary to popular belief you can work on sexual chemistry.
5. Rationalising: Women have a tendency of making men more complex than they are. Our dating experience as well as films like He’s Just Not That Into You illustrate this well. When a guy behaves in ways that are contradictory, rather than taking that as a sign of deceit, we make a conjecture that’s overly complicated. Nine times out of ten, the simplest answer is usually the answer. This means if a guy says he likes you but doesn’t call, he’s just not that into you. Don’t rationalise. Ask yourself, what is the simplest answer?
6. Dating Potential: Too often we date men we know aren’t a good fit because we focus on who they can be. And too often this results in a man failing to meet our expectations and resentment. So how do we fix this? By dating the person in front of us, not who they can or who we want them to be.
7. Ignorance: This is not an insult. By ignorance I mean our lack of awareness of the factors driving our decisions and behaviour. Factors like loneliness, attachment wounds, attachments styles, etc. By now, we all know that we don’t date people who are good for us, but people who feel familiar. If you don’t check out Why Dating Is Hard. There you will also find the solution to this problem.
8. Focusing Too Much On “The Spark”: We’ve been programmed to believe that feeling a spark is an indicator of true love. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The spark is an indication of many things—attraction, familiarity—but true love and compatibility isn’t one of them. Again check out Why Dating Is Hard for more on this. If you want love and compatibility invest in the slow burn; get to know people over a period of time. Allow people to surprise you.

So… these are the eight deadly dating faux pas that women make.

But fortunately, as you’ve noticed, these are easily remediable.

In fact I’ve helped a couple of women completely change their dating experience with my Girlfriends’ Guide To Dating Program.

In this program I help woman alter their approach to dating over two months so they can attract the highest form of love available for them. 

If you’re tired of ending up in the same unfulfilling relationships with the same men in different suits, tired of dates that go nowhere, want to sign up for or learn more about my program click here.

If you have more of an auditory preference, check out my podcast for the audio version of this column! Available on Apple, Spotify, Anchor, and Google.

I have a feeling a king or queen you know needs to read this column. Do look for the share button below and share this with someone in need. 

I absolutely love hearing from you, so leave a like and/or a comment. While you’re at it, subsrcibe to the column too. I would absolutely love to have you as one of my subscribers. 

Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, enter your email address and click ‘follow’ for weekly updates. 

Need advice or coaching? Click here.

Until my next column… Ciao for now xx

The Truth About Healthy Relationships.

When we’re young, we’re told to wait for our prince and that once we find him we will live happily ever after.

Only to grow up and realise that there is no prince and that love can hurt really bad.

Eventually we learn about attachments issues and childhood trauma, and that the key to a happy romantic life is finding some secure and emotionally available.

Once this happens, then will we live happily ever after. 

But, what if I told you that this isn’t exactly true. 

Don’t get me wrong, finding a secure partner is essential to having a healthy relationship. 

But as you may have heard by now healthy relationships are created, not found.

Have you ever had a string of bad relationships and found someone great afterwards?

How easy was it for you to trust and to open up? How easy was it for you to allow them to love on you? 

The truth is that if we have an insecure attachment style or childhood trauma, it can be just as hard to maintain a relationship with someone good for us as it is finding someone good for us.

Why? Self sabotage. 

Have you ever met someone who you know would be good for you, but you feel no chemistry with them? 

Instead of giving the connection time to bloom, you pick someone who triggers your attachment wounds.

Well, that’s not the only way we self sabotage. 

Sabotaging a healthy relationship once we’re in it can look like; 

• Misreading peace in a relationship as boredom because we’re so used to chaos.
• Mistaking the calm period after the honeymoon phase for our partner losing interest in us.
• Picking fights or engaging in behaviours that cause our partner to react in a way that reinforces our narratives about ourselves or love. e.g Blowing up our partner’s phone because they haven’t replied causing them to feel overwhelmed and withdraw, causing us to feel abandoned.

The truth is that healthy relationships will triggers us whether or not we’ve been to therapy or done the work.

The difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship is that healthy relationships allow us the space to work through our triggers effectively.

And we can only do this if we are aware of our attachment wounds and how they manifest.

When we are aware of them, we can self regulate and choose behaviours that are different from our sabotaging behaviours. 

We can choose behaviours that will allow us work through our issues effectively and help us maintain a healthy relationship.

Now I understand that sabotage is a heavy word, but I don’t use it to shame you.

It’s important to note that we aren’t always aware we are sabotaging our relationships like this. 

I don’t want you to feel ashamed about this. 

We’re all just operating from our conditioning. 

So take a breath and opt out of the critical thoughts you might be having.

So now that we know healthy relationships aren’t smooth sailing, how do we ensure we maintain one once we find the right person?

Do the work. 

Go to therapy, read the self help books, become familiar with your personal story.

All of this will allow you to become a lot more self aware and a lot more regulated, which will help you have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.

Healthy relationships are without a doubt possible, especially for you. And yours might be a lot closer than you think.

So, are you in a healthy relationship at the moment? What have you learned so far? What were your expectations vs the reality you’re living now? I’d love to hear all about it so please leave a comment 🙂

If you have more of an auditory preference, check out my podcast for the audio version of this column! Available on Apple, Spotify, Anchor, and Google.

I have a feeling a king or queen you know needs to read this column. Do look for the share button below and share this with someone in need. 

I absolutely love hearing from you, so leave a like and/or a comment. While you’re at it, subsrcibe to the column too. I would absolutely love to have you as one of my subscribers. 

Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, enter your email address and click ‘follow’ for weekly updates. 

Need advice or coaching? Click here.

Until my next column… Ciao for now xx

Misadventures In Love: Meeting My Twin Flame.

“This is it! It has to be him!” is what I thought to myself after two months of getting to know a guy from the internet.

A guy I believed was my twin flame.

I met Ty (a pseudonym) about five years ago on Instagram. 

He would slide in my DMs ever so often—always brief—and every time he did I got butterflies. 

I told myself our exchanges were platonic, because he was always vague, but a part of me was aware of the fact that I felt a spark.

A part of me acknowledged that he felt familiar.

One day, after countless brief DMs, he asked for my number—which I gladly gave to him.

Shortly after, I received a voice note, and as always a got butterflies.

But this time I felt the sensation in my chest. This time it felt more like my chest was on fire. 

The feeling intensified when I heard his voice for the first time. 

Up until then I had denied my crush on him, but the minute I heard his voice it became evident to me just how much I liked him.

We hit it off immediately. We spoke everyday for weeks about everything under the sun.

We had so much in common. We had similar. Our personality types, our birthcharts, everything was compatible. 

We were so similar that the very traumatic experience I had a year prior, he was going through at that moment.

The biggest “sign” of all was that he reached out the day after I became familiar with the concept of twin flames.

After two months of getting to know each other, after the constant back and forth we had experienced before, I felt as though he could be it. 

I was so happy that I couldn’t wait to tell him how I felt. But when I did I was met with hesitation. 

“I’m not ready,” he said, “I have a lot going on right now,” 

The cracks were beginning to show. 

The occasional withholding. The highs and lows. The elusivity. The issues with addiction.

All the red flags I had previously thought were arbitrary turned out to be singular points of a constellation. 

And you know what the constellation looked like? Yet another emotionally unavailable guy.

It became clear to me that I had deluded myself, confused the obvious signs of an anxious-avoidant dynamic with an emotionally unavailable guy for some otherworldly connection.

After I asked him for space to figure my feelings out, his behaviour changed.

It was almost as if he became afraid of losing me.

He would ask me if I’m seeing other people out of the blue and pretend he wasn’t jealous.

He would act nonchalant and be withholding.

Eventually, about two weeks after I told him how I felt, I realised I had made a mistake. That I had fallen for the wrong guy again.

What I essentially learned from this misadventure in love is that the concept of twin flames can be problematic. 

But before I breakdown why, let’s breakdown what it is first. 

A twin flame—supposedly—is this once in a lifetime profound connection. It surpasses a basic soulmate. 

Everyone has a soulmates, but a twin flame is what we should essentially what we should be looking for. Thee “one”.

It’s based on the premise, from Greek Mythology, that we were once creatures with four arms and legs and two souls til we were eventually split and deposited in separate bodies. 

Destined to search for one another and become whole—spiritually of course.

Not everyone will meet their twin flame, especially in this lifetime, and this notion makes the the concept of twin flames even more rare and special. 

If you consult different spiritual gurus, you’ll discover varying signs, but these are some of the frequently repeated signs; 

• A feeling of familiarity
• Uncanny similarity, including similar past experiences
• Insecurities are intensified
• The connection is magnetic and undeniable
• The connection is tumultuous
• There is a constant union and separation
• One party chases while the other pushes them away

Now when you come across content based on this concept it’s easy to think it’s harmless, but it’s not.

There are several reasons why this concept is toxic. Here’s why;

1. Familiarity is not always a good thing: The concept claims the familiarity is a product of the concept of past lives. Psychology says we recreate the dynamic we had with our caregiver(s) in relationships. People feel familiar because they remind us of our caregivers or someone from our current past. If you haven’t had reliable caregivers, familiarity can be a bad thing. For more info on this check out my Attachment Styles series: Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Fearful Avoidant, Dismissive Avoidant. 
2. It is not based on empirical evidence: The origin of concept is very metaphysical. The concept consist of “spiritual” rationale that explains the purpose of twinflames which cannot be verified. Whereas concepts like magical thinking, limerence, attachment issues, the anxious-avoidant loop and other trauma-related concepts easily explain why we get sucked into connections like these and how they’re actually unhealthy.
3. It promotes the idea that love is scarce, tumultuous, and has to be earned: Relationships aren’t easy and they have a funny way of bringing up insecurities. But they are not meant to be tumultuous and we are not supposed to earn anyone’s love. Love is free, and the need to earn love may come from having to have had to earn love during childhood. The belief that we only have one soulmate, makes it easy for us to stay in toxic situations. While a growth mindset is important, it’s also important to recognise when we are in an unhealthy relationship vs a healthy relationship with normal issues worth working on. Also, if we only had one perfect mate, how do we explain widows and widowers finding love again?
4. It makes people (with trauma) susceptible to abuse or toxic relationships: Reread points 1, 2 and 3.

The fact that I had experienced a traumatic event the year before, that I had unhealed PTSD, anxiety and depression explains why I was so vulnerable to a relationship likes this and to a concept like twin flames.

Now… having healed, having become a coach, being happier and more grounded than I’ve been in a long time, and being a psy major, I couldn’t possibly imagine being drawn to a dynamic like that again.

Now I get it, as a twinflame believer you might be thinking, “Kelley, what you met is a false twin,”

And honestly… probably. Who really knows? In my opinion, it’s besides the point.

All I know is that there is a vast difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships.

Healthy relationships trigger us but they also allow us the space to work through those triggers. 

Healthy relationships are characterised by a feeling of safety, stability, leaning in and consistency. 

Not intensity, avoidance and unpredictably.

Healthy relationships don’t include characteristics of a trauma bond.

And lastly, love isn’t about finding someone perfect and elusive. 

It’s about finding good enough who’s within your reach. Someone who wants to be attained. Someone who wants our love and is ready and willing to reciprocate it.

If you’d like to learn more about the potential dangers of a twinflame connection, check out Dr Ramani’s video on it here.

Do you believe you have a twinflame? Ever thought you had one? I’d love to hear all about it so do leave a comment 🙂

If you have more of an auditory preference, check out my podcast for the audio version of this column! Available on Apple, Spotify, Anchor, and Google.

I have a feeling a king or queen you know needs to read this column. Do look for the share button below and share this with someone in need. 

I absolutely love hearing from you, so leave a like and/or a comment. While you’re at it, subsrcibe to the column too. I would absolutely love to have you as one of my subscribers. 

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Need advice or coaching? Click here.

Until my next column… Ciao for now xx

How To Practice Self-compassion.

“I am selfish,” “I am a bad person,” “I am not enough,”

These are some of the thoughts I’ve had about myself and willing to bet that you’ve had them about yourself too. 

All of us have an inner critic. 

Some of us have one whose voice is a whisper while others have one whose voice suffocates us.

We all know what it’s like to be hard on ourselves—for trivial or very serious things—and not have the tools to be able to change that.

We criticise ourselves for several reasons; to improve ourselves, to get ahead of other people’s critiques, to enforce limits.

And while it can be helpful to look at ourselves objectively and try to improve ourselves, criticising ourselves can be incredibly harmful.

So how do we counter this? Via self-compassion.

Self compassion is defined by Kristen Neff as extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure or general suffering.  

Self-compassion is essential, but how do we extend compassion to ourselves?

First, be aware of how you speak to yourself and about yourself. 

Do you shame yourself for every mistake you make? 

Do you make self-depricating jokes or speak unkindly of yourself to your loved ones?

Recognise when you’re doing this and stop.

Don’t judge yourself for judging yourself, simply stop doing it.

Another thing you can try is writing down all the negative things you say about yourself throughout the day and reading them at a later point.

This not only serves the purpose of showing you how unkind you can be to yourself but also how ridiculous the thoughts you have can be. 

As you’re going through the list ask yourself if you would say those exact thoughts to a loved one.

Chances are you wouldn’t, so why say them to yourself? 

Remind yourself that you are only human and that you are worthy of grace.

Be more forgiving of yourself, let mistakes go. 

Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a loved one.

Another thing you can do is challenge your inner critic by being objective. 

Say, for example, your inner critic tells you you’re unlovable, ask yourself why you of all people were created to be unlovable.

Ask yourself how it’s possible for everyone but you to be loved.

If this alone hasn’t made you realise how ridiculous the thought is, sit down and list the people who do or have loved you.

Even if there might not be a lot of names, chances are you will be able to come up with empirical evidence of love in your life.

Another thing you can do is to embrace your every aspect of yourself; the good and the “bad”.

You are not perfect, you are not infallible. You are flawed.

But guess what? So is everyone else. 

We tend to judge ourselves as if we’re the only ones with certain flaws.

But, if we were to sit in a room with other people and we all had the courage to own and share our flaws, we’d realise that we’re not alone.

You are flawed but you are so much more than your flaws. 

You are flawed but you are still worthy.

The last thing you can do is to build a habit of being kind to yourself. 

If you criticise yourself often it’s because you’re created a habit of focusing on your mistakes and criticising yourself.

To counter that, spend more time doing the opposite. 

Celebrate your wins, pat yourself on the back.

Begin and end each day by repeating affirmations. 

And again, opt out of any critical thoughts. 

It’s not easy, it will take practise. 

But with time the way you speak to yourself will change and you’ll be able to feel more at home in your own mind.

So, are you overly critical of yourself? What exercises have you learnt to manage this? I’d love to hear all about it so do leave a comment 🙂 

If you have more of an auditory preference, check out my podcast for the audio version of this column! Available on Apple, Spotify, Anchor, and Google.

I have a feeling a king or queen you know needs to read this column. Do look for the share button below and share this with someone in need. 

I absolutely love hearing from you, so leave a like and/or a comment. While you’re at it, subsrcibe to the column too. I would absolutely love to have you as one of my subscribers. 

Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, enter your email address and click ‘follow’ for weekly updates. 

Need advice or coaching? Click here.

Until my next column… Ciao for now xx

How To Stop Ending Up In Situationships.

Situationship… 

Although the term is new, situationships have been happening for a very long time. 

And although the term is often used in a negative way, situationships aren’t inherently bad.

Think about the fling you had last summer. Or, the hot bartender you dated briefly while you were in Brazil. 

Though brief, situationships can be incredibly fun romances that some people look back on and tell their grandchildren about.

Situationships, however, can also be tragic and toxic; like when a guy leads you on intentionally.

So how do we protect ourselves from this?

First, let’s define what a situationship is and isn’t.

A situationship isn’t a committed relationship or a friends with benefits situation, although there are some similarities.

Like a committed relationship a situationship has an emotional component, although it usually isn’t as deep.

And like a fuck buddy, a situationship consists of inconsistency, a lack of commitment, no talk of future plans, spontaneous, and steeped in lust.

Situationships are essentially situational; you only here from them or reach out when it’s convenient.

They’re horny? They reach out. They wanna go out? They reach out. They need emotional comfort? They reach out.

But most of the time they do them, and you do you.

The last, and biggest, indicator that you’re in a situationship is feeling confused.

So now that we know what a situationship is how we make sure we don’t end up in one? 

First, get clear on what you want and what you don’t want.

Do you want a committed long term relationship, a fuck buddy or a situationship? 

Second, create boundaries that are fitted to what you want and express them.

If you want a committed relationship, this might look like being transparent about your expectations and desires and delaying sex.

Third, pay attention to actions.

Ideally, people would tell the truth but fuckboys and fuckgirls don’t.

If the person you’re seeing claims to want one thing but their actions communicate differently, get off the ship while you can.

Fourth, set a deadline for yourself. 

The appropriate time to date someone before defining the relationship is six to twelve weeks. 

Set a deadline for yourself and remember it.

Lastly leave when what you want isn’t honoured.

If you are intentionally or unintentionally in a situationship and you decide to ask for more and the othe party can’t give it to you, leave.

No amount of coaxing is going to get you a relationship worth having; take the L and go.

Now, if you find that you are in situationships frequently this might be a symptom of a larger issue. 

I highly recommend that you see a therapist or coach. 

If you need help getting the relationship you crave and deserve, sign up for my Girlfriends’/Gentlemen’s Guide To Dating Program here.

In this program we’ll be getting to the root of your misfortune in love, addressing your dating faux pas, and changing your approach to dating so you can get the relationship you deserve.

So, have you ever been in a situationship? How did it play out? I’d love to hear all about it so do leave a comment 🙂 

If you have more of an auditory preference, check out my podcast for the audio version of this column! Available on Apple, Spotify, Anchor, and Google.

I have a feeling a king or queen you know needs to read this column. Do look for the share button below and share this with someone in need. 

I absolutely love hearing from you, so leave a like and/or a comment. While you’re at it, subsrcibe to the column too. I would absolutely love to have you as one of my subscribers. 

Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, enter your email address and click ‘follow’ for weekly updates. 

Need advice or coaching? Click here.

Until my next column… Ciao for now xx

How To Get Your Ex Back.

If you’re reading this chances are you’re not over your ex. 

Perhaps it’s been a month. Perhaps it’s been a year. 

But you’re reading this hoping to get something that will help you accomplish your goal; to get your ex back.

Now, I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not an advocate for revisiting the past. 

The past is the past for a reason. People break up for a reason. 

But sometimes, there are exes we just can’t get over. Flings we just can’t get over no matter how hard we try.

And we know we would regret it if we didn’t allow ourselves try again.

But how do we do that? How do we get an ex back?

Before you hit your ex up, reflect on what went wrong. 

If someone is an ex then there’s likely to be a reason—or reasons—things didn’t work out.

What went wrong? What did you learn about yourself during the relationship? What can you do better?

If it’s something serious like emotional availability or cheating, a commitment to doing better will not suffice. 

Too many times people think being committed to doing better with no help from a professional will be enough.

What often happens is that people repeat the same mistakes just in different ways.

So seek the help of a therapist.

Get familiar with your shortcomings, read self help books that can give you insight on how to overcome them.

Basically, work on yourself.

All of this work will not only turn you into a better person for yourself and your ex, but will also inspire them to actually consider taking you back.

The other thing you want to do is to make a grand gesture. 

Now I know what you’re thinking, this isn’t a two and a half star romcom. 

Or perhaps you’re thinking, I don’t want to be a simp.

But, if you’re going to ask your ex to take you back you’re going to have to be vulnerable.

Love in general demands vulnerability, so do away with the excessive pride and toughness.

Think about it, if your ex wanted you back but was nonchalant and made very little effort, would you take them back?

Probably not.

So, what are some of your favourite things about your ex? What makes them special? 

If you want your ex to choose you over the possibility of meeting someone new and potentially better, you’re going to have to make them see the value in doing so?

What value will you bring to their life? How will their life be better with you in it? What will you be committed to doing better?

Think about this as you’re working on your “speech” to win them back.

Now, it goes without saying that the grand gesture is best performed in person, so ask yourself what they like and bring that along with you.

If you have no idea of their current whereabouts, get creative. 

Now it’s important to note is that it takes two to tango, so whatever dysfunction existed in your relationship was both of your doing. 

In order to make it work this time, both of you have to be willing and ready do the work. 

And to do that, both of you have to be committed and intentional. This means seeking therapy. 

Not only familiarising yourself with the unhelpful patterns of behaviour both you have, but getting the tools to work through them.

It’s important to take the rekindling of a relationship serious, there’s a lot a stake—time, energy, emotions, perhaps even children.

Getting your ex back is not an accomplishment, keeping them is.

So if you feel you’re not up for it, if your ex with someone who treats them better or you suspect they can do better then let your ex be.

There’s no point in revisiting the past if you’re not committed to doing things differently.

You’re much better off closing the book and starting over fresh. 

So, have you ever tried to get your ex back? Were you able to get them back and how did things play out? I’d love to hear all about it so do leave a comment 🙂 

If you have more of an auditory preference, check out my podcast for the audio version of this column! Available on Apple, Spotify, Anchor, and Google.

I have a feeling a king or queen you know needs to read this column. Do look for the share button below and share this with someone in need. 

I absolutely love hearing from you, so leave a like and/or a comment. While you’re at it, subsrcibe to the column too. I would absolutely love to have you as one of my subscribers. 

Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, enter your email address and click ‘follow’ for weekly updates. 

Need advice or coaching? Click here.

Until my next column… Ciao for now xx